Post your Jokes here! [Archive]

Cikku

8thApril2005, 10:06

Compare the genders - Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

atheist

8thApril2005, 10:21

What is the difference between an african illegal immigrant and a dog's shit.:rolleyes:

1- A dog's shit will actually turn white one day, when it dries, but the african will remain black.

2- A dog's shit will stop to stink one day but the african you haver no chance.

Jay

8thApril2005, 15:55

Why do n****** smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too!! LOL !!!!!!!!

What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
Drop it n****** !!

mitsu

8thApril2005, 17:09

Mall Kwaranta, x-xitan jaqbad jittanta.
>>
>>Doris u Mario kienu koppja mizzewwga, it-tnejn li huma fuq
>>l-erbghin.
>>
>>Zwieg sabih ghalkemm xi ftit frustrati u mdejjqin minhabba xi
>>problemi
>>fizici li t-tnejn kellhom.
>>
>>Mario kellu kallu f'subghajh il-kbir ta saqajh, kif ukoll xtaq
>>ikabbar u
>>jissoda naqra l-firilla ghax issa biz-zmien bdiet tmajna xi ftit.
>>
>>Doris minn naha l-ohra beda jehfifilha xaghrha u xtaqet tkabbar xi
>>naqra
>>sidirha biex forsi Mario ma jibqax ihares u jiccassa lejn sider
>>nisa ohra.
>>
>>Marru ghand Nidal tal-Made in America ghall-parir.
>>
>>Nidal ghamel mhux wiehed, mhux tnejn, mhux tlieta, erba' clinical
>>studies u fl-ahhar issugerixxa cream ghall-kallu u l-penil patches
>>lil
>>Mario u zewg creams lil Doris, wiehed
>>ghall-sidirha u iehor ghall xaghra. It-tnejn hadu hsieb li ma
>>jhalltux
>>il-prodotti ma' ta' xulxin.
>>
>>In-nejka kienet li halltu l-prodotti taghhom stess bil-konsegwenzi;
>>
>>1 Kull darba li jara mara, is-saba ta' saqajn Mario kien jibbies u
>>jikber
>>b'zewg pulzieri, b'hekk jikkawzalu hafna ugiegh.
>>
>>2 Mario qabdu hafna hruq fil-parti tieghu sakemm fl-ahhar waqalu ma
>>l-art.
>>
>>3 Doris kibritilha rasha b'2 cup sizes.
>>
>>4 Doris qabadha hafna hakk u tant telghala suf ma' sidirha li meta
>>marret
>>ghand Marion Mizzi qaltilha li hi beautician u mhux vet.
>>
>>Moralita ta' l-istorja: Tuza x'tuza mill-prodotti tal-'Made in
>>America',
>>fl-ahhar mill-ahhar dejjem tispicca taqa ghall-Blue Pain Relief.
>>
>>Blue Pain Relief - ghas-serhan mill-ugiegh
>>
>>Blue Pain Relief - int taf xi jfisser Jekk ma tafx, tistaqsix
>>lili!!

mitsu

10thApril2005, 20:22

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
>>baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a
>>very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
>>
>>Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent
>>that ! they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet
and
>>gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the
>>supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
>>
>>Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, and
>>since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
>>that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she
passed
>>a
>>small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could
stand.
>>Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off
any
>>ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner
>>and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked
beans.
>>
>>All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
>>reasonably sure she could control it.
>>
>>Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
>>"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
>>He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
>>seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
>>his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold
>>until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
>>
>>The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
>>pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out
>>of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg
>>and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
>>truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
>>She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then
>>she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
>>reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the
>>conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
>>minutes.
>>
>>When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
>>the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
>>folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
>>She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
>>apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured
>>him
>>that she had not.
>>
>>At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!
>>
>>There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
>>"Happy Birthday"!

Cikku

10thApril2005, 21:10

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers
and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled.

Normally, wed hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and were afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. Im sorry....we
cant hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Ill stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of
aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all
over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? Im a happily married man!"

"Well, then how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"

Cikku

10thApril2005, 23:20

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"

The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

patriaomuerte

12thApril2005, 12:16

Triumph the insult Comic dog:

Just click this link:
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/?c=Late_Night_with_Conan_O%27Brien/triumph_at_grammys&n=8

Triumph is interviewing a native american song writer and singer and tells him:
"IF your music was really good, it would have been already stolen by the white man"

Its hillarious and great! just watch it.

Classic Triumph jghamel referenza lil malta! Great i love it!

mitsu

12thApril2005, 18:13

Once Fr. Mark Montebello's mother took her son's dog for a walk and this is what happened!!

http://www.strenge.be/cartoons/cartoons/others/un_black_dog.jpg

etoile noir

12thApril2005, 21:47

i guess this could have gone in the "Art" section, but that would get me into really big trouble with settecento :eek:

so here, take a look at the mona lisa doing some moaning :D

http://www.cite-sciences.fr/francais/ala_cite/expo/explora/image/mona/en.php (http://www.cite-sciences.fr/francais/ala_cite/expo/explora/image/mona/en.php)

Canadian Charlie

12thApril2005, 21:57

Numbers 4 and 8 remind me of my wife on a good day.

Too bad there aren't any

patriaomuerte

15thApril2005, 19:37

I received this once as an sms:

This sms costs 3cents, enough to feed an ethiopian for a day. Send this sms to seven of your friends and starve the mother fucker for a week.

Abramortiis

17thApril2005, 03:57

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. No moaning!
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday. No moaning!
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner. No moaning!
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil. No moaning!
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer. No moaning!
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry. No moaning!
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe. No moaning!
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg. No moaning!
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit. No moaning!
3.00 Nap. Zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz some moning!
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer. No moaning!
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body. No moaning!
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror. No moaning!
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers. No moaning!
10.00 Hot shower (alone). No moaning!
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen). No moaning!
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. Some moning!
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz No moaning!

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 BJob.
6.30 Massive satisfying s**t while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet to Italy.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (BJob en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 B job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Monaco.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion near Monte Carlo with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world fishing record - on baby Dolphins.
5.00 Fly home, massage and B job by naked Jemma Jameson (bending over.. naturally).
6.45 S**t, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised, Norman Lowell in government, illegal immigrants’ repatriated, new historical sites found, lack of toilet paper on the island due the sudden boom of the visiting tourists.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV.
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap B job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Abramortiis

Marco Polo

17thApril2005, 09:33

u nearly gave me an asthma attack abramortis. pmsl

whitecrow

17thApril2005, 09:48

http://www.targagap.com/extras/MB.jpg

Mercedes decided to finally to target also female customers :D

whitecrow

17thApril2005, 09:57

This might be a bit sick but is pure fun:

Download powerpoint presentation (http://www.targagap.com/extras/bruits.pps)

Enjoy :)

Marco Polo

17thApril2005, 14:19

truly disgusting whitecrow

etoile noir

17thApril2005, 14:51

i dont have a merc, however you may be interested in buying one of these :D

whitecrow

17thApril2005, 14:58

http://www.electrifyingtimes.com/minority_report_lexus.jpg

I would settle for the Lexus 2054 :D

And I am adding this picture to prove car is real and not a computer generated model :cool:

http://www.electrifyingtimes.com/lexus2054_show.jpg

Abramortiis

17thApril2005, 15:29

Iva mhux hekk! Mur suqqhom hawn Malta dawk il-karrozzi! Jew dawk itiru?

Abramortiis

Mirko

17thApril2005, 16:21

I would settle for the Lexus 2054 :D

And I am adding this picture to prove car is real and not a computer generated model :cool:

Fejn hu quddiem u fejn hu wara?

Marco Polo

17thApril2005, 17:05

the front is er, usually at the front! :D

Niccolo

20thApril2005, 21:17

Dun Karm, qassis minn Hal-Qormi u Salvu, xufier tal-Linja
ghall-Mellieha,
mietu l-istess jum u b'xortihom tajba it-tnejn spiccaw il-Genna.

Angela (impjegata bhala usherette l-Genna) bjonda, helwa, f'mini-skirt
hamrani, laqghat lil Salvu bi tbissima, poggietu fuq deck-chair jahdem
bil-hydrolick jinklina ruhu kif trid, u gabitlu cocktail minn dawk ta'
kolla
umbrelel ikkuluriti u straws differenti u ntefghet taghmillu l-massaggi
u
tidilku biz-zejt.

Filwaqt li lil Dun Karm gie ghalieh Cikku, usher xih akka (veteran
il-genna)
ibezzaq u jisghol, wera' lil Dun Karm bicca banketta bil-cushion
imqatta u
kollu qtar taz-zebgha niexfa, titqazzez tpoggi fuqa, u xi nofsija wara
gablu
ponn karawett go ash-tray biex jitrejjaq ftit u tazza ilma tal-vit.

Il-qassis ma riedx jemmen lil-ghajnejh; "dan kif," beda jgedwed,
"semplici
xufier hu trattat ferm ahjar minni.....!?"

Qam jara lil San Pietru. "Santita'", qallu "mhux ghax irrid ingerger,
imma
hemm xi zball... kif dak ix-xufier hu paxxut u trattat ahjar minni wara
li
jien ghamilt mijiet ta' prietki u quddiesat hajti kollha?!"

"Reverendu" wiegbu mbissem San Pietru, "id-differenza hi li meta inti
kont
tippritka waqt il-quddiesa, kulhadd kien jorqod raqda ma tqumx
minnha......waqt li Salvu x-xufier kien isuq, il-passiggieri kulhadd
iroddu
is-salib ma kull kantuniera li jdur u jitlobu ma kull skoss li jtihom."

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 21:42

Ave,

To all my dearest friends on vm.org,

I need some help. My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take one because I'm never at home and therefore can't take care of its needs, but if three of you could take just one, it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. I'll even go pick them up for you if you need.

I've attached pictures of the 3 kittens.

Will you help? Your help will be eternally gratefull. We love pets.

Abramortiis

Marco Polo

20thApril2005, 21:44

A man walks into a jewish jewellers shop and offers the owner an elephant for $500. The Jewish owner refuses and asks "what would I want with an elephant, i'm a Jeweller?" The man replies "How about 2 elephants for $800?" and the Jew replies "Now we're talking"

:D

whitecrow

20thApril2005, 21:45

Abramortiis - jiena irrid il black and white LMAO - x jismu xinu helu LOL!

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 21:56

Ave,

His name is maestro. He is heavily talented and incredible. Give me a call and I will deliver it to your door whenever you wish.

Abramortiis

PERICLES

20thApril2005, 21:58

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:06

Ave,

No man! They don't look like that - I am just a bad photographer. They are very sweet, cuddley and very talented. The other day they have ate the but and ears of my two sweet little rabbits. That is what I call talent in pets.

Abramortiis

xuxx man, ghax inkella hadt ma johodomli

PERICLES

20thApril2005, 22:08

Ave,

xuxx man, ghax inkella hadt ma johodomli

:D :D :D Ok. Mela allura nbiddel il-pozizzjoni. Ifakkruni fil-film Garfield. Hekk ahjar? ;)

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:13

The Sister-in-Law Test

A True story: I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Abramortiis

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:14

:D :D :D Ok. Mela allura nbiddel il-pozizzjoni. Ifakkruni fil-film Garfield. Hekk ahjar? ;)

Iva Grazzi - Please tell your friends - I have to more kittens left!

Abramortiis

Marco Polo

20thApril2005, 22:16

Bloody Hilarious. I'll keep that in mind :p

The Sister-in-Law Test

A True story: I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Abramortiis

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:18

Mercedes for sale model 1981only 20,000Km never reached 60km/h.

One owner, still in mint conditions, full extras including:

- AC
- Tyres still new
- power steering
- power brakes
- pioner stereo - with dolby surround system
- Anti-Atomic proof and bullet proof
- electric windows and mirrors
- Big luggage boot.
- Passed VRT.

Owner decided to sell as he can not use it any more.

It is assured that with this car you will catch every ones eye

If interested just look at the attached photo

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:36

Ave,

In order to avoid TAX and get free allowances in the island of Malta - do it like the blacks do it.

I did it - and it worked out for me! Wach me in action......

Abramortiis

patriaomuerte

20thApril2005, 22:41

Proverbju Malti:

B naqra pacenzja u ftit bzieq ... l-ijunfant hexa werzieq

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:47

Ave,

Did you know that SATAN have his own ice hockey team! Who said that in hell there is only loads of heat and fire!

Abramortiis

Abramortiis

20thApril2005, 22:50

Ave,

A satanic supporter!

Abramortiis

Admin

21stApril2005, 16:08

To be sung to the tune of "Il Grande Mazinga". PM me for an audio file of the original tune!

Ratzinga! Ratzinga! Ratzinga!
Trema,
Il regno delle Tenebre del Male
Dalla Fortezza di San Pietro arriva
Con i pugni teologici
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa
Tuona
Si scaglia dal sagrato contro il male
Se sei il nemico prega e' gia' finita
La Chiesa batte i denti, c'e'
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (croci rotanti!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (pater noster!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (ostia di fuoco!)

Ha la mente di Lutero ma tutto il resto fa da se'
Non conosce la paura ne' za italiano ke koz'e'
Lotta, cade, si rialza, sempre vincera'
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (rosario atomico!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (lama del diavolo!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (doppio amen!) Ratzinga!Ratzinga!Ratzinga!Ratzinga!
Forte,
Con uno sguardo spacca in due il conclave
Dagli occhi sputa fuori salmi gamma
Non c'e' chi e' forte piu' di te
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa

Ha la mente di Lutero ma tutto il resto fa da se'
Non conosce la paura ne' ne' za italiano ke koz'e'
Se hai bisogno puoi invocarlo, con la bibbia apparirà Ratzinga,
Paapaaaa Ratzinga, Paapaaaa Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (bombe gnostiche!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (luce divina!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (spada teologica!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (sermone perforante!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (incenso atomico!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (pugno teologico!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (croci rotanti!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (doppio amen!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (ora pronobis!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (acqua santa!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (lama diabolica!)
Ratzinga, Paapaaaa (doppio rosario!)

Niccolo

21stApril2005, 20:29

You can replace the name of the Gozitan in this joke with the name of another gozitan who we all know well!

Wasal jum san Valentinu, u Ganni l-Ghawdxi kellu bzonn imur jixtri rigalzghir lil mahbuba gdida tieghu ghal dan il-jum specjali. Il-fatt li ma kienux ilhom johorgu flimkien wisq holoqlu daqsxejn ta diffikulta. Izda wara li haseb u gab lil min jahseb, fl-ahhar iddecieda........ "Nixtrilha par ingwanti"; Ghalhekk f'kemm trodd salib erhiela lejn il-Belt akkumpanjat minn ohtu sabiex tghinu jixtri dawn l-imberkin ingwanti.

Dahlu ghand Hanut il Belt u xtraw par ingwanti ghall-mahbuba ta Ganni u ohtu xtrat zewg panties biex ghall-anqas ma tkunx marret il-Belt ghalxejn. Is-salesgirl gezwritilhom l-affarijiet taghhom separatament, izda bi zball bidlithomlom. Jigifieri Ganni ha l-qliezet ta' taht u ohtu hadet l-ingwanti.

Ganni mar ferhan lura d-dar u ghamel daqsxejn ta' ittra sabiha sabiex takkumpanja r-rigal sabih li kellu ghall-mahbuba tieghu.Din kienet tmur xi haga hekk:

"Ghaziza qalb ta' qalbi,
Xi haga zghira minn ghandi ghall-okkazjoni tal-festa ta San Valentinu. Ninsab cert li se joghgbuk ghax innutajt li qatt ma kellek kull meta hrigna flimkien. Li kieku ma kienx ghal ohti li giet mieghi, kont nixtrilek minn dawk tal-gilda bil-buttuni, imma hi tippreferi mill-qosra ghax tghid li aktar facli biex thehhihom. U l-kulur?............ veru ghogobni. Is-sales girl li xtrajt minn ghandha urietni taghha qabel, imma Jien ggheltha tipprova dawn ukoll qabel nixtrihom lilek. Taghha kellom xi ftit riha ghax kienet ilha tilbishom xi tlitt gimghat!! Imsomma, nispera li issa nibda narak liebsa lilhom meta niltaqghu.

Waqt li nixtieqlek San Valentinu t-tajjeb'
ghoddni bhala l-mahbub ta' dejjem tieghek
Ganni

PS Dawk tista anke tilbishom bil kontra biex jigu bis suf jidher.

Niccolo

24thApril2005, 08:30

A young woman in Valletta was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Harbour. She went to the Barracca Gardens and was about to leap into the sea, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the wall, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to the West Indies in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to The West Indies, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Gozo Ferry."

PERICLES

24thApril2005, 19:48

Jehel Lm20 citazzjoni meta l-karozza kienet misruqa!

</FONT>

minn Brandon Pisani

Min jaf kemm hawn minna li xi darba jew ohra offenda xi gward-jan lokali ghax “bellghalna” xi citazzjoni. Li jkollok tort fiha jew ma fihiex, imma li tehel citazzjoni ta’ Lm20 u tintalab thallasha ghal kontravenzjoni li m’ghamiltx ghas-semplici raguni li saret meta l-karozza kienet misruqa, hija xi haga inkredibbli!

Hekk fil-fatt gralu cittadin li tkellem ma’ it-TOR?A (li xtaq li l-identità tieghu ma tkunx imxandra) sentejn ilu. Minkejja li ghadda dan iz-zmien kollu, dan ic-cittadin ghadu jinsisti li hu mhux se jhallas ic-citazzjoni ghax ma ghamel xejn hazin biex jehilha.

Dan ic-cittadin ghadu sal-lum il-gurnata ma jridx ihallas il-multa “mhux biex nisfida, imma ghall-punt. Mort biex inhallas il-licenzja tal-vettura tieghi u l-iskrivan infurmani li ghandi nhallas Lm20 fuq kontravenzjoni li saret f’gurnata li l-istess vettura kienet misruqa. Ghandi d-dokumenti kollha u qieghed nghaddihomlok biex tara li qed nghid il-verità.”

Dan ic-cittadin, fit-30 ta’ Lulju 2003 irraporta li l-vettura tieghu nsterqitlu minn Bir-id-Deheb u din instabet xahar wara, ezattament fid-29 ta’ Awissu. Fit-13 ta’ Novembru, 2003, huwa rcieva ‘Avviz ta’ {las minghand il-Kunsill Lokali tal-Belt fejn gie infurmat li “fis-seduta tat-12 ta’ Novembru, 2003, it-Tribunal Lokali Valletta, inti gejt ikkundannat thallas l-ammont ta’ Lm20.”

Skond it-Tribunal, dan ic-cittadin qala’ citazzjoni fix-Xatt ta’ Marsamxett fis-27 ta’ Awissu, jumejn qabel instabet il-vettura tieghu li nsterqitlu xahar qabel. Minkejja li kiteb lill-Kunsill Lokali tal-Belt Valletta biex jilmenta dwar dan u anke baghat id-doku-menti li tawh il-Pulizija li juri li fil-jum li l-vettura tieghu qalghet citaz-zjoni kienet misruqa, huwa ghadu ma ha ebda risposta mill-kunsill.

L-istess cittadin kiteb lill-Kummissarju tal-Pulizija dwar dan il-kaz u anke baghat kopja ta’ l-‘Avviz ta’ {las’ li rcieva mill-Kunsill Lokali tal-Belt Valletta, kif ukoll ir-rapport li fil-jum li l-vettura qalghet citazzjoni din kienet irrapportata misruqa.

Madankollu, jidher li dan ic-cittadin, ghal darb’ohra ntbaghat minghand Qajfas ghal Pilatu, meta f’risposta li bghatlu l-Assistant Kummissarju Josie Brincat, huwa gie nfurmat li “la l-karozza nghatat citazzjoni minn gwardjan lokali u mhux mill-Pulizija, “min-naha taghna ma nistghu naghmlu xejn.”

U sadanittant, dan ic-cittadin jew ikollu jhallas Lm20 ghal citazzjoni li ma jaf xejn dwarha jew isuq bla licenzja!

bpisani@unionprint.com.mt

http://www.it-torca.com/news.asp?newsitemid=3555

Florian Geyer

25thApril2005, 09:24

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.Then I realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother in law.My neighbour said "Are you going to help?" I said " No , six should be enough".

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but one day I turned to my bullies and said-"sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", and it worked !From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.:D

Cikku

26thApril2005, 19:15

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for that one!

In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work!

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work, you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison, you get your own bathroom. At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, well . . . we have managers!

Abramortiis

27thApril2005, 12:51

This is quality! Stick with it till the end..

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh?
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great,
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian For a couple of hours now." Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have s$x, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the ar$e....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars - laughing!

SetteCento

27thApril2005, 13:03

IM Beck!!!!![/ :D

Abramortiis

28thApril2005, 12:15

LuLu

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly; Lulus grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed. "Wow, still going at it at your age, How do you do it? Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.

Abramortiis

28thApril2005, 15:59

The Moral of the Story

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral.

The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand and said, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Billy replied, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Cikku

30thApril2005, 10:37

Predicting the Future

Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances. - Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosive. - Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

There is no likehood man can ever tap the power of the atom. - Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what ... is it good for? - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible. - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make. - Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this. - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.

So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Marco Polo

30thApril2005, 10:41

IM Beck!!!!![/ :D

Im sorry but you can't claim him as your joke. He is Malta's joke

Cikku

30thApril2005, 18:24

Predicting the Future - 2

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Everything that can be invented has been invented. Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon. Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

etoile noir

2ndMay2005, 21:48

The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil
necked so-and-so. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse *****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

Girls' night out...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and
said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Cikku

4thMay2005, 12:43

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat!"

Cikku

4thMay2005, 12:46

The Bricklayer's Accident Report

The next time you're having a bad day, just think you're lucky you're not this guy! This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

D_SINNER

4thMay2005, 15:14

The Lord Of The Rings..."inappropriate" alternate ending...

http://www.geocities.com/abelaryan/lotr.gif

Cikku

5thMay2005, 12:17

HELL !!

The name of your wife

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. I was a good father," he answers. Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance. St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.

Picking a punishment

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room. Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, I'll choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. 1,228, he answered. That's right! You may enter. St. Peter turned to the lawyer. Name them.

Niccolo

5thMay2005, 16:44

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba

Abramortiis

5thMay2005, 21:45

Hahaha! Vera Tajjba din!

Abramortiis

Marco Polo

6thMay2005, 13:33

that was hilarious niccolo

PERICLES

6thMay2005, 14:30

Arya

6thMay2005, 14:47

These two co workers, frank and bob, went on a company paid hunting trip to africa. One went north, and the other went south. Both agreed to meet in a certain bar at 12 pm in two weeks time.

Two weeks later bob walks into the bar and sees frank sitting at a table. He looks very pale and his hair has white in it that wasnt there before.

So bob walks over and says "Jesus frank! what the hell happened?"

Frank looks up at him slowly and says in a most serious voice, "I was way out there man. Way out. I was tracking a family of lions. For a week I chased their trail, but they seemed to know I was coming and stayed ahead of me. Finally, just when i was about to give up, I came over a ridge and there they were. 4 of them. 3 females and a male. Biggest goddamn mane youve ever seen. I saw him, and he saw me. Neither of us wasted any time, i brought my rifle up just as he started to charge me. I slapped back the bolt, put it down, and ....CLICK.... a misfire. He was right there on top of me. RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!! I sh*t my pants!"

Bob replies in shock, "Hell I would too if a lion got that close to me!"

Frank says, "NO! I mean just now when I went RRRRAAAWWWWRRRRRR!"

Marco Polo

6thMay2005, 14:53

I haven't understood it :o :o :o

he mentioned dead bodies in the yard because the fbi reads his letters. that way when they went to dig up the yard for bodies they were helping the old man!

PERICLES

6thMay2005, 14:58

he mentioned dead bodies in the yard because the fbi reads his letters. that way when they went to dig up the yard for bodies they were helping the old man!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH :D :D :D :D Ok Now I have understood it. :o

Arya

13thMay2005, 16:52

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
_______________________________

Maestro

16thMay2005, 07:42

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
_

____________________________________________________

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

______________________________________________________________________

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

______________________________________________________________________

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

_________________________________________________________________________

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

________________________________________________________________________

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

There are four kinds of sex :

_________________________________________________________________________

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

________________________________________________________________________

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

_________________________________________________________________________

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

________________________________________________________________

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

__________________________________________________________________________

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

____________________________________________________________________________

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

_________________________________________________________________

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

__________________________________________________________________________

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

___________________________________________________________________________

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

_________________________________________________________________

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

Maestro

16thMay2005, 08:13

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

_________________________________________________________

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

_________________________________________________________________

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

____________________________________________________________

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

_________________________________________________________________

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

_________________________________________________________________

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

__________________________________________________________

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

______________________________________________________________

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

_______________________________________________________

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

______________________________________________________________________

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

______________________________________________________

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Arya

16thMay2005, 09:03

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
She found herself a filthy-rich 75 year old man. The plan was
to screw him to
death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in
spite of the
half-century age difference.
The night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for
him to come out
of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom
to cover a
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and
a pair of nose
plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What
are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't
stand: the sound of a
woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Arya

16thMay2005, 15:46

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
> > his dad bouncing up and down.
> >
> > The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
> > son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees
> > his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother
> > replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
> > have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> > You're wasting your time." says the boy. "When you go shopping the
> > lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
> > back up."

Niccolo

17thMay2005, 17:21

Walking down the street, a shopper saw an unusual funeral procession
approachin the nearby cemetery. a solitary woman was walking with a pit
bull behind 2 hearses. behind her, another 200 women followed a single
file.

the shopper was so curious that she went up to the woman with the dog
and
said:" i am very sorry for your loss and i know this is a bad time to
disturb you, but i have never seen a funeral like this. whose is it?"

"my husband's": replied the woman

"what happened?"

"my dog attacked him."

"so who's in the 2nd hearse?"

"my mother-in-law. she was trying to help my husband when the dog
turned on
her."

a poignant, thoghtful moment passed between the 2 women.

"can i borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

Cikku

24thMay2005, 18:18

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Arya

24thMay2005, 18:22

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right! -click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS W! ord setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$ < mailto:?@#$ < mailto:%3F@%23$ > > ?
------------------------------------------! -----
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell th! at?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well th! en we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try
a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because
you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------------------------! ----
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
----------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't need any ! of that SQL stuff-I just want a database!"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar

That just about covers my first day....can only get better eh?

Marco Polo

24thMay2005, 18:46

they are probably true also!

charlemagne

27thMay2005, 07:56

Book Titles

America's Longest River By: Misses Hippy

Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester

Breaking the Law By: Kermit A. Krime

Broken Beds By: Squeak E. Springs

The Color of Eggs By: Summer Brown

Danger! By: Luke Out

Don't Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley

Downpour! By: Wayne Dwops

Errors and Accidents By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps

The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt

Falling Trees By: Tim Burr

French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded

History of Texas By: Al E. Moe

Hours in the Bathroom By: R. U. Dunnyett

House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holme

How to Be Organized By: Miss Place

How to Groom Your Yard By: Ray Cleaves

I Didn't Do It! By: Ivan Alibi

I Don't Get It By: Anita Clew

I Love Crowds By: Morris Merrier

I Need Insurance By: Justin Case

I'll Do It Soon By: Will B. Dunn

The Lion Attacked By: Claudia Armoff

Mineralogy for Giants By: Chris Tall

No Appreciation For Art By: Drew Lousy

Old Furniture By: Anne Teak

The Past to the Distant Future By: I. C. All

Ripping Pants By: Ben Dover

Rusty Bed Springs By: I.P. Nightly

Snakes of the World By: Anna Conda

Under the Bleachers By: Seymore Butts

Where the Stars Are By: Horace Cope

Why Don't Chickens Bark? By: U. R. Stupid and I. M. Stupid

Reichsmann

27thMay2005, 12:09

Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!

***Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.***

Reichsmann

27thMay2005, 12:12

>>>>>Kien hemm erba' haddiema tal-gvern jaghmlu bankina fi triq tas-Sliema.
>>>>>F'daqqa wahda tfaccat mara f'gallarija alla jbierika armata sewwa, bi
flokk skullat u wicca ma tpittrux.
>>>>>
>>>>>Kif rawha l-haddiema iggennu u kulhadd baqa ccassat lejha, b'halqu miftuh.
>>>>>Mr tista' titla' ftit hdejja please?' qalet lil wiehed mill- haddiema.
>>>>> 'Lili qed tghid' staqsa wiehed minnhom - l-aktar wiehed zaghzugh fosthom.
>>>>>'Le le, l-iehor' wiegbet il-mara.
>>>>>'Jien' staqsa t-tieni wiehed.
>>>>>'Le le, l-iehor tal-flokk isfar', regghet il-mara.
>>>>>Dan miskin kien daqsxejn kbir fl-eta', niexef ghuda, dahru mghawweg u
kellu s-sebgha doni tal-kruha...
>>>>>
>>>>>Dan iggennen kif ghajjtet lilu u dlonk telaq minn idejh u tela` t-tarag
tal-flat taghha.
>>>>>Kif dahal fil-bieb taghha, qaltlu biex jghaddi fil-kcina u dan miskin
kollu gharaq wasal sal-kcina taghha.
>>>>>
>>>>>Kif lemhitu fil-bieb tal-kcina daret lejn binha, ta' xi sebgha snin, li
kien mal-mejda, u qaltlu,
>>>>> 'Paul if you don't eat the soup you will be ugly like this man!!!!!'

charlemagne

28thMay2005, 18:24

Wrong Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw
out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minnesota & flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying
down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address & without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of
many years who was called home to glory following a sudden
heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages
from relatives & friends. After reading the first message, she
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor & saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now & you are allowed to send e-mails to your
loved ones. I've just arrived & have been checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Arya

30thMay2005, 16:21

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five
free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.
The 10 inch man starts playing the piano.

The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing.
Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will
grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the
genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant
one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere. The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing." The
man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10 inch
pianist?"

Arya

30thMay2005, 16:23

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Why any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

etoile noir

1stJune2005, 21:25

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian man says,
"Fluc you white guys too!"

Marco Polo

2ndJune2005, 20:31

Q. What do you call an african on the moon?

A. a problem

Q. what do you call all africans on the moon?

A. problem solved

Reichsmann

2ndJune2005, 22:30

Q. What do you call an african on the moon?

A. a problem

Q. what do you call all africans on the moon?

A. problem solved

haha thats a good one

iddrugo

3rdJune2005, 00:39

Q. What do you call 1 black man drowning??
A. A Good Start!!!

Q. What do you call 10 black men drowning??
A. Pollution!!!

Q. What do you call all black men drowing
A. Solution!!!

Q. What do you throw to a black man who's drowning??
A. His wife and kids!!!!

Q. How do you fit 5 Nazis and 100 Jews in a Volkswagen??
A. 5 Nazis on the seats, 100 Jews in the ashtray!!!

Arya

3rdJune2005, 08:05

This bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fcukin shoes on."

Arya

3rdJune2005, 08:07

One fine morning a guy wakes up and goes out for a stroll in his backyard, only to find a Big Gorilla sitting right in the middle of his backyard! The gorilla, equally scared on seeing the guy, quickly climbs up onto the tall tree in the backyard.
This guy is in a state of shock, wondering how to get rid of the gorilla up in his tree. So he looks up in the Yellow pages and finds an entry under "Gorilla Removal Service". Without wasting time, he promptly calls up the phone number...

Guy: Help, i'm calling from 32nd avenue street, please send someone over quick, there's a gorilla in my tree!
Person at the service: Sure sir, we will send a gorilla removal expert as soon as possible. Till then stay away from the gorilla and it shouldn't harm you.

Sure enough within 15 minutes a van from the gorilla removal service arrived and the expert stepped out. The guy showed the expert the tree in which the gorilla was hiding. The expert coolly took out the following tools from his bag.
1) A Long Pole
2) Handcuffs
3) A Tiny Dog.
4) A Shotgun
The expert tells the guy that he would require his help for the plan and lays it down as follows:
"I will Climb up onto the tree, and using this long pole i'll constantly poke the gorilla. The Gorilla will lose his balance and fall on the ground. As soon as it hits the ground, this Dog is so trained that it will launch an attack right at the genitals of the gorilla. The gorilla, would instinctively cover his privates with his hands as soon as he sees the dog approaching, and at that very instant you take advantage and slap the handcuffs on the gorilla."

The man, ponders over the plan, impressed by it's apparent simplicity. Then he looks over at the shotgun, and asks the expert - What's that for then? Doesn't that fit into the plan?

The expert replies: "Oh yeah, if i happen to fall down before the gorilla does, please shoot the damn dog!"

Arya

3rdJune2005, 08:09

One day in the 1st grade, Little Susie stands up in class and says, "Teacher, may i ask you a question?"
The Teacher says, "Of course Susie, go ahead"
Susie asks, "Teacher can my mother get pregnant?" The teacher wonders now why would she ask such a quesion but nevertheless replies, "Susie, how old is your mother?"
Susie: "She's 35 years old"
Teacher: "Of course she can get pregnant Susie."
Susie sits down and the teacher resumes teaching her class.
After 5 min susie gets up again and asks, "Teacher Can i ask you another question?"
Teacher: "Sure Susie"
Susie: "Teacher, can my elder sister get pregnant?"
Teacher: "How old is she?"
Susie: "She is 18 years old"
Eager to satisfy this small girl's innocent curiosity, the teacher gladly replies, "Yes Susie, your sister can get pregnant"

After a while Susie yet again stands up and asks, "Teacher, one last question, Can i get pregnant?"
The teacher, though slightly taken aback, maintains her cool and asks susie "How old are you dear?"
Susie replies "Teacher I'm 6 years old"
The teacher replies, "No, Susie dear, you cannot get pregnant dear."
Susie then says "Thank you teacher" and sits down while the teacher resumes her class..

As soon as she sits down, Little Johnny leans over and whispers in her ear, "See, i TOLD you nothing would happen".

charlemagne

4thJune2005, 08:38

Just a Joke to Lighten Your Day...

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming
toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I
dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing
with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Never lie to kids!!!!! Especially a Girl!!!!!

charlemagne

4thJune2005, 09:36

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialled it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial),

I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I dialled and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer our front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

charlemagne

4thJune2005, 21:25

A young man called Colin invited his mother over for dinner. During the
>course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Colin's
>flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the
>two, and this only made her more curious.
>
>Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started
>to wonder if there was more between Colin and his flatmate than met the
eye.
>
>Reading his Mum's thoughts, Colin volunteered, "I know what you must be
>thinking, but I assure you, Gary and I are just flatmates."
>
>About a week later, Gary came to Colin saying, "Ever since your mother came
>to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
>don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her
>just to be sure.",said Colin. So he sat down and wrote:
>
>Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my
>house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle,but the fact
>remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>Love, Colin
>
>Several days later Colin received an email from his Mother which read:
>
>Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Gary, and I'm not saying
>that you 'do not' sleep with Gary, but the fact remains that if he was
>sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
>Love, Mum

Korpisoturi

4thJune2005, 23:08

How many somalians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, because the UN and social services screw in the light bulb for them.

________________________

- If there are a gypsy and a somalian and sitting in the back seats of a car, who's driving the car?
- Police

charlemagne

5thJune2005, 09:11

We take you now to the Oval Office....

President George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

Bush: Great. Lay it on me.

Rice: Hu is the new leader of China.

Bush: That's what I want to know.

Rice: That's what I'm telling you.

Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Rice: Yes.

Bush: I mean the fellow's name.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The guy in China.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The new leader of China.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The Chinaman!

Rice: Hu is leading China.

Bush: Now whaddya asking me for?

Rice: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Rice: That's the mans name.

Bush: That's who's name?

Rice: Yes.

Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Rice: Yes, sir.

Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Rice: That's correct.

Bush: Then who is in China?

Rice: Yes, sir.

Bush: Yassir is in China?

Rice: No, sir.

Bush: Then who is?

Rice: Yes, sir.

Bush: Yassir?

Rice: No, sir.

Bush: Look, Rice. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Rice: Kofi?

Bush: No, thanks.

Rice: You want Kofi?

Bush: No.

Rice: You don't want Kofi.

Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Rice: Yes, sir.

Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Rice: Kofi?

Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Rice: And call who?

Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Rice: Hu is the guy in China.

Bush: Will you stay out of China?!

Rice: Yes, sir.

Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Rice: Kofi.

Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Rice picks up the phone.)

Rice: Rice, here.

Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Korpisoturi

5thJune2005, 09:57

Hilarious :D :D

charlemagne

5thJune2005, 12:23

Excerpted from an article, which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling thesecurity system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:...............................
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

Florian Geyer

5thJune2005, 22:56

Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing.

Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.

Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.

The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.

They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"

The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.

Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people."

"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

Marco Polo

6thJune2005, 00:31

pah chutzpah! you plagerized that from heretical. you, you, you king rat!!!!!!!! lol

Florian Geyer

6thJune2005, 01:43

pah chutzpah! you plagerized that from heretical. you, you, you king rat!!!!!!!! lol

you mean i got it in before you,you goyim.

Arya

6thJune2005, 12:12

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a eally loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

David

7thJune2005, 14:11

Yesterday I saw two black persons collecting the rubbish. I found it very difficult to recognize which was the garbage bag and who were the black persons.

patriaomuerte

7thJune2005, 14:13

Welcome to the forum David! I know this man he is a true patriot!

Vivamalta!

PERICLES

7thJune2005, 18:25

Welcome to the forum David. Please keep in mind that here we have forum rules. Please make sure to read them.

Marco Polo

7thJune2005, 18:51

Yesterday I saw two black persons collecting the rubbish. I found it very difficult to recognize which was the garbage bag and who were the black persons.

welcome, but be careful what you say please. The leftist media loves to be very selective in what it quotes

charlemagne

9thJune2005, 22:17

Anyway, a horse and a fox are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the fox to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The fox runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the fox and horse were playing in the meadow again
and the fox fell into the mud hole. The fox yelled to the horse to go
and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and
said, "Grab my willie and pull yourself up", the fox did and pulled
himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a
horse, you don't need a Mercedes!

Marco Polo

9thJune2005, 22:42

how rude! :P

charlemagne

9thJune2005, 22:45

Awards for everything nowadays, including 'Ridiculous Packaging Instructions Award'!

Here are some of the winners.

NYTOL Warning may cause drowsiness.

TIRAMISU Do not turn upside down. (printed on the bottom of the tub)

PACKET OF NUTS. Instructions, open packet, eat nuts.

BREAD PUDDING Warning product will be hot after heating.

SALMON LOIN Warning contains fish.

PEANUTS Warning, contains peanuts.

CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE. Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

FROZEN DINNERS. Serving suggestions - defrost.

HAND SOAP. Directions. Use like regualr soap.

LIP ENHANCING GLOSS For external use on the oral lips only.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS For indoor and Outdoor use only.

IRON Do not iron clothes on body.

CHILDS SUPERMAN COSTUME Does not enable the wearer to fly.

Arya

14thJune2005, 11:58

Stupid People

Need Ketchup?

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door.

Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

charlemagne

19thJune2005, 17:46

Bush at school
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers Question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*** happened to Billy?"

charlemagne

19thJune2005, 17:50

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains...

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

**Why what were you thinking dirty bastards?**

argo

19thJune2005, 22:46

Multi-culti Maths Exam

Sheik Abdullah High School
Abu Balzan
MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ……………………….
GANG ……………………….

Time allowed 1 hour

If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?
If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?
Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?
If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?
If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
If Soula needs 25mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?
Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?
If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?
If Bankstown’s ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?
Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?
Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW’s and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?
If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)
Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?
If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?
If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?
If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?
Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,000.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
I Mario’s dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
2 feet away …..%
5 feet away …..%
100 feet away …..%
If Effie’s mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?
Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?
If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?
If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson’s answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?
END OF EXAM

Abramortiis

25thJune2005, 01:07

A tourist asked a local bus driver "where is birzebugia?" The Driver replied - Nigeria!

Mirko

25thJune2005, 01:12

Hahah, in few years time, jekk nibqghu sejrin hekk...

ma hemmx ghalfejn few years :mad:

charlemagne

25thJune2005, 09:24

For those with NO children - this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age - this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-lb boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh' it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says then can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'c**p! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Mirko

28thJune2005, 01:42

http://encycl.opentopia.com/term/Imperium_europa

Cikku

6thJuly2005, 10:21

Jack Schitt

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response
when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually
handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married
Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Arya

9thJuly2005, 19:17

What a man

A married man was unfortunate enough to fall into the hands of some aliens. They tried to communicate with him in the space ship but they could not understand each other. The man, afraid of being made their meal, thought quickly and desperately cried out,"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids...eat them instead!"

Arya

9thJuly2005, 19:20

Very, off-color

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off..
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

charlemagne

12thJuly2005, 21:22

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Mazzola75

17thJuly2005, 18:01

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100 ?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000 ?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for £10,000 ?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

Artist

19thJuly2005, 12:15

Frank goes into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.

The clerk asks him, "Do you want a white one or a black one?"

Frank says, "A white one, please."

The clerks asks, "Do you want a Christian or a Muslim?"

Frank asks, "What's the difference?"

And the clerk replied, "The Muslims blow themselves up."

Cikku

21stJuly2005, 17:10

News headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Cikku

24thJuly2005, 09:51

QUESTIONS!

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a suicide or murder ?
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Cikku

3rdAugust2005, 22:57

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

:p

Mirko

9thAugust2005, 03:54

haha :D

http://www.geocities.com/mirkogalea/gilette.JPG

Marco Polo

9thAugust2005, 12:35

sheer genius mirko. lol

argo

10thAugust2005, 19:43

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them. They began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter replied, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.

Let me find out," and he disappeared. Two months passed as the couple waited. As they waited, they had time to discuss the ramifications of being allowed to marry in Heaven, along with the eternal aspects of it all. What if it doesn't work they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking a bit bedraggled. "Yes," he informed them, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with frustration and maybe a tinge of un-angelic anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

I M Beck please note!

sidewinder

10thAugust2005, 20:16

A man in Moscow went for a physical check up and they asked him for a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool (feces) sample, so he gave them his underwear.

iddrugo

12thAugust2005, 13:00

FOR ALL OUR MICROSOFT LOVERS :D

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error

messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction

rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the

first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:

------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

------------------------------------------

The Website you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.

-------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

---------------------------------------------

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

------------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

--------------------------------------------------

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

--------------------------------------------------

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

---------------------------------------------------

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao-until

You bring fresh toner.

-------------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

--------------------------------------------------

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

-------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

--------------------------------------------------

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

-------------------------------------------------

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

--------------------------------------------------

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Artist

13thAugust2005, 16:54

We can do this !!

Nude photos are removed

PLEASE HELP FIGHT TERRORISM!!
I'll forward anything if it will help fight terrorism.

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

God bless Australia

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!

Marco Polo

13thAugust2005, 17:30

president bush and saddam hussein have a chat and saddam states that he loves star trek. he then asks bush "Why is it that in star trek there are women, blacks, asians and whites but no moslems?" Bush replies: "Because star trek is about the future."

D.P.R.K.

13thAugust2005, 18:26

What time is it when the clock strikes thirteen ?

Time to fix it !

Mirko

16thAugust2005, 00:14

familiar? http://www.vivamalta.org/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

Angelfish

16thAugust2005, 00:30

Min jaghid li ix Sharia m hix ligi moderna u tghin biex isehh aktar egwaljanza ghan nisa ,hu razzista u infidiel injurant li haqqu jigi mhaggar fil pjazza Helsien.
Ara, kemm ilhom illi ipprogettaw illi idahhlu is-Sharia ghal ewwel darba gol Iraq, liberata min George W Bush , fejn qabel il mara kienet timxi zewg piedi wara ir-ragel , issa timxi tnejn quddiem.....jghidu li hemm hafna mines fit toroq u fir-ramel go u madwar Baghdad!

Mirko

16thAugust2005, 01:17

TWO BABIES

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and
find out."

He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're
a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and
I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

Angelle

18thAugust2005, 13:25

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing maths. His parents tried
everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing
helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school. "Those nuns
are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.

After school on the very first day David ran through the door and
straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying
furiously, books and papers spread out all over his room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and hit the books harder than before.

His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until report
card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table, and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened thereport. David had gotten an A in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns?

"No!", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed
to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Velvet Mite

18thAugust2005, 14:25

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwartzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function.
OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Mirko

19thAugust2005, 04:33

what does batman and blacks have in common? they both cant go into a store without robbin!

Cikku

19thAugust2005, 09:47

The good wrote england !!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.

Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack! the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.

Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Office sign: Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

:confused:

Cikku

20thAugust2005, 10:09

Learning Chinese terms - Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia: Approach me
Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
Lao Ze: Not very good
Lin Ching: An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

argo

20thAugust2005, 23:13

A Drunk man comes walking into to his house toward his wife carrying a chicken under his arm and says "This is the PIG I've been screwing". His wife yells, "That's not a PIG that's a chicken!" The man says "I was talking to the bird."

Artist

21stAugust2005, 09:56

Islanders

http://www.timesofmalta.com/images/20050821_car_02.jpg

Marco Polo

21stAugust2005, 11:38

a brilliant cartoon that is along our line of thought.

Velvet Mite

21stAugust2005, 14:56

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading, as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are'' and
Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham,
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all

Arya

21stAugust2005, 15:20

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
:) :) :)

Arya

23rdAugust2005, 20:28

Three Chinese men were walking down a road. One of the Chinese guys could only say, "Me me me me me me me me me." The second one could only say, "Stickum wita hamma." ANd the third one could only say, "goodie goodie gumdrops!" The Chinese guys were walking along and they came across a police officer and a dead guy. The police officer says, "Do any of you know who killed this man?" The first Chinese man says, "me me me me me me me." So the police man says, "how did you do it?" The second Chinese man says "stickum wita hamma." THen the police man says, "that's it, I'm taking you guys to jail!" And the third Chinese man says, "goodie goodie gumdrops!"

Angelle

23rdAugust2005, 23:13

Hawditni :( ...

Why no one should marry a widowed woman......

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Mirko

23rdAugust2005, 23:27

Illalla lol haha rep pints given ang!

Marco Polo

23rdAugust2005, 23:44

although a joke it wouldnt suprise me if it were common in africa.

Maltarian

24thAugust2005, 00:01

Ragel iswed qed jeghreq...x'titfaghlu?

....Il-mara u t-tfal!

Marco Polo

24thAugust2005, 00:41

Q. what do you call a black man on the moon?

A. a problem

Marco Polo

24thAugust2005, 00:42

Q. What do you call ALL black men on the moon?

A. Problem solved :D :D :D

Arya

25thAugust2005, 22:25

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Arya

25thAugust2005, 22:34

You are a chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Volcano

25thAugust2005, 23:34

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish

captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown

together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate
a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish
captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I
don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot
protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese,

Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a
few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an
iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

Artist

26thAugust2005, 16:58

Two travelling angels

Keep reading to the bottom of the page -- don't stop at the feet (You'll see).

Two travelling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,

"Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and hiswife.

After sharing the little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
Oooo
Some people ( )
come into our lives ) /
and quickly go.. (_ /

oooO
( ) Some people
\ ( become friends
\_ ) and stay a while...

leaving beautiful Oooo
footprints on our ( )
hearts... ) /
( _/

oooO
( ) and we are
\ ( never
\_ ) quite the same
because we have
made a good
friend!!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!

I think this is special...live and savor every
moment... This is not a dress rehearsal!

(\ /)
( \ __ / )
( \()/ )
( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
/ \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
____

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL.... YOU MUST
PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF
RECEIVING HER, AFTER YOU DO MAKE A WISH....
IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, YOUR WISH WILL
BE GRANTED AND SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER....
IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW AND NO WISHES
WILL BE GRANTED....

Now don't delete this message, because it comes

from a very special angel.

Right Now -

-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM

Never take away anyone's hope. That may be all they have.

Velvet Mite

27thAugust2005, 08:31

The South African Budget (Could this happen to us?)

The country was in such a terrible state

When parliament met for the budget debate

It was quite a few minutes before Trevor spoke

Then he said: "Sex will cost you R100 a poke"

Whether you're short, long, tiny or thick

The tax will be paid on the use of you prick

Then Zuma said: "Now Trevor Dear,

Will the tax apply to the boys that are queer?"

Then Mufamadi arose looking glum

"Will I be taxed on the use of my bum?"

Trevor replied and he shouted right airy

"The tax will be double for you, you bloody old fairy!"

Then Buthelesi arose to thunderous applause

And he grabbed Winnie and ripped off her drawers

He straddled across her and rode her at will

and he shouted at Trevor: "Put that on my bill"

Nzo, then shouted "I think I'll resign

I haven't had sex for a very long time

I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

But R100 a time is a bit fu#&ing much."

The debate carried on - and oh what a sight

With Mbeki wanking the whole of the night

MP's were coming - the speaker came last,

And in the excitement the dumb bill was passed

So now in the bedrooms of S.A. at night

There's many a fanny that's closed good and tight

We're taxed on our income and taxed on our smoking

But we didn't expect to be taxed when we're poking

If R100 a screw is the price we must pay

The answer is this : With ourselves we must play

To quench our frustrations we now have to wank

For the state of the country, we've Trevor to thank.

Author unknown

Angelle

29thAugust2005, 15:54

http://www.audiocomedy.net/standup/francisco/moviepreviews.shtml :D

Velvet Mite

30thAugust2005, 09:07

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in
the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

etoile noir

6thSeptember2005, 20:16

An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they ended up putting him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Arab!"

Arya

7thSeptember2005, 20:08

10 Husbands, Still a VirginA lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Marco Polo

7thSeptember2005, 20:23

hilarious. roflmao

Gladiator

7thSeptember2005, 20:55

Arya

7thSeptember2005, 20:59

Two zebras ponderingTwo zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Arya

8thSeptember2005, 08:55

Revenge Is SweetThere once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Cikku

8thSeptember2005, 10:26

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as Preznit Dubya appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Dick Cheney appeared on the television. "He's a horse's ass too" the man said. This time a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. Climbing back up to the bar, the man said: "Damn! This must be Bush Country!"

"Nope" the bartender replied. "It's Horse Country."

Arya

11thSeptember2005, 14:39

There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

Arya

11thSeptember2005, 14:40

Solving a dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."

Niccolo

13thSeptember2005, 17:12

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man
to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man
looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something
and
fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known
cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The
doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,
but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his
penis
and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but
what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican
docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese
doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!

You save money."

Vulf

14thSeptember2005, 15:20

I have been notified that some changes will take place

Arya

18thSeptember2005, 14:49

Testifying

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Arya

18thSeptember2005, 14:49

Real Things Said In CourtThese are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Velvet Mite

24thSeptember2005, 07:11

Blair & The Hooker

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Downing Street. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow."Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds

Arya

24thSeptember2005, 15:36

1 Irishman, 1 Englishman & 1 Scotsman

guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total",says the Genie. The Irish guy says,"I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her,so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains,"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

Arya

24thSeptember2005, 15:42

2 guys and a hot dog

two guys are in and alley and their buzz is fading off. They don't have enought money between them to get drunk again. so the first guy says "give all of you money, I got an idea" so with the money the buy a hot dog" the second guy is pissed and says " wtf? a hot dog wont get me drunk!" the first guy says "trust me on this I have a good Idea. follow my lead at the bar" so the go to a bar and they order drinks and such for a while, and the bartender says " I hope you have enough money to pay for those." and the first guy gets up unzips his fly and the second guy gets down on his knees and starts to give him a blowjob. disgusted, the bartender throws them out without paying. amazed at how well it works, they go to about 7 other bars and do the same thing. after they are dead drunk the first guy says " man who knew that hot dog would actually work!" So the second guy says " what hot dog? I ate it after the secong bar"

Guernica

24thSeptember2005, 17:04

This is a joke, I received on my email enjoy!! ;)

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up in the morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said,"boss,if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

And I just sat there...
On the couch...

Naked

Mirko

25thSeptember2005, 03:29

LOFL good one Allie

check this out: http://www.funnyheck.com/discoelevator.html hilarious!

Guernica

25thSeptember2005, 11:50

Hahaha ... din dejjem tifqani loool :D

Guernica

25thSeptember2005, 21:52

The power of technology:

Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah my son, I guess someday you will need to find out
anyway!
Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button,
nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said-----
"You've Got Male!"

Niccolo

3rdOctober2005, 21:18

A Somali arrives in Malta as a new illegal immigrant.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Maltese for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Malta!" The person says, "I no Maltese, I Chinese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Malta!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Nigeria, I am not Maltese!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you Maltese?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Maltese?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."

Arya

4thOctober2005, 19:21

Marco Polo

5thOctober2005, 19:06

this was sent to me by email. pretty funny. shows how stupid political correctness is.

iddrugo

6thOctober2005, 09:51

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID (tax office) badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Arya

6thOctober2005, 10:12

Randy The Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer

Marco Polo

6thOctober2005, 11:50

football in Ghana

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1330000/images/_1331664_under17merid300.jpg

Mirko

6thOctober2005, 13:48

kont qed nara programm ta l-isports il-bierah hawn xi timijiet propja il-ghana!

carlos

6thOctober2005, 16:08

Worth more than a 1000 words

Velvet Mite

8thOctober2005, 14:19

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, 12 inch tall bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

His purchase made, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a little bronze lawyer

Guernica

9thOctober2005, 15:23

For all the women out there: :p

The River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side,the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed,"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross theriver." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men,the third man prayed,"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

Cikku

14thOctober2005, 15:00

Computer history of the world

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. And God said Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. And God said Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. And God said I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows. And God said It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

BNPLOVER

14thOctober2005, 17:11

quick 1

a pork pie walks into a bar
goes to counter
bar man says
sorry we dont serve food in here

lol
:eek:

BNPLOVER

14thOctober2005, 17:13

what do you call a paki sheep shager
allyaslam

what do you call a paki joiner
ahmed ashed

Abramortiis

15thOctober2005, 13:55

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

NAME:

George Martin

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION:

Company's President or Vice President but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes, I’m white!

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle management hostility

PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I'm worth

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs!?

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?

Oh yes, absolutely

Dawnbringer

15thOctober2005, 14:58

LOL, nice one Abra.

Abramortiis

16thOctober2005, 14:15

SITUATION VACANT:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the last test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Finally it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Abramortiis

16thOctober2005, 14:24

10 THINGS:

TOP 10 THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple 0rgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the .. 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
TOP 10 THINGS WOMAN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a bl0w job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the .. 1 thing a women would do is:

1. Repeat .. 9.

Abramortiis

16thOctober2005, 14:26

Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job ...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable

Abramortiis

16thOctober2005, 14:29

S.H.I.T.

INTEROFFICE MEMO

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Caesar

16thOctober2005, 14:45

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be out done, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 200 million people very, very happy."

Abramortiis

16thOctober2005, 14:55

HAHAHAHA mank kien hemm gonzi ukoll maghom!

Caesar

16thOctober2005, 15:05

Everyone's dream!:D

carlos

17thOctober2005, 10:39

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v170/illinifanmichael/Illinifanmichael/smartasahorse.jpg

Would be a nice Avatar......

carlos

18thOctober2005, 14:54

A meaningful photo from ANR's protest.

Mirko

18thOctober2005, 15:16

Roflmao! :d

Dawnbringer

18thOctober2005, 20:11

LOL @ Abra.

dDragonR

19thOctober2005, 11:53

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to everyword you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why awife treats a husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish, too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The

wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Abramortiis

19thOctober2005, 14:29

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y256/pdub395/Animations/rickjamesbitch1.gif

ebonics_language_lesson_1232

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a293/XplorR/FiveFingers.gif

ebonics_language_lesson_1233

Dawnbringer

19thOctober2005, 14:30

Lofl

:D :D :D

Abramortiis

19thOctober2005, 14:48

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a187/longaker/th_chimpwinking3sn1cv.gif

Vote Alternativa Demokratika
2
Counts as well!

http://www.graphicsmonkey.net/buildabong/monkeynoddin.gif

bla,bla,bla, bannana!

http://c.myspace.com/Groups/00006/75/77/6107757_l.gif

N_E_G_R_O Timebomb!

http://c.myspace.com/Groups/00005/05/08/5988050_l.gif

Faxxist, Faxxist, Faxxist!
Jien Fr. Mark Montebello!
Int Faxxist, Faxxist, Faxxist!

Cikku

19thOctober2005, 17:35

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, Watson, look up. What do you see? Well, I see thousands of stars. And what does that mean to you? Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

Mirko

20thOctober2005, 03:02

http://www.steakandcheese.com/downloads/Mightiest_Cap_Of_All.jpgMulej ahfirlu ghax ma jafx x'hinu jaghmel

Dawnbringer

20thOctober2005, 03:37

Good one Cikku . ;)

Abramortiis

20thOctober2005, 11:12

http://vip.mikrobitti.fi/~tapiob/whitelines.gif

Follow the white line!!

Dawnbringer

20thOctober2005, 11:58

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

I knew that they would shag anything but I didnt know they should shag a couch as well.

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y256/pdub395/Animations/rickjamesbitch1.gif

ebonics_language_lesson_1232

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a293/XplorR/FiveFingers.gif

ebonics_language_lesson_1233

Caesar

21stOctober2005, 18:16

A loyal Maltese citizen

http://www.vivamalta.org/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=557&stc=1

Velvet Mite

21stOctober2005, 20:18

A little guy is sitting at a local bar just staring at his drink when
this
big, trouble making wiseguy sits down next to him, grabs the little
guy's
drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the big guy.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home but after the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab."

"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar
trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you
show up
and drink the poison!!!"

Cikku

22ndOctober2005, 12:54

A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne." The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer search!" Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one Paw on the handler's arm. He says, Good boy. The airline rep turns to the first man and says, That woman Is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number. I like it! says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor. The passenger is grossed out. What the hell is going on with this dog? The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"

Cikku

24thOctober2005, 18:54

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room. Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, I'll choose this room. Satan says OK. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says OK tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

Arya

25thOctober2005, 09:02

Generous lawyerA local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Niccolo

25thOctober2005, 17:24

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

"Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call center near you.

Arya

25thOctober2005, 18:02

Actual Car Accident Statements

Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.
Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the otherside of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

Abramortiis

29thOctober2005, 08:34

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y221/prestonpohl/webster.gif

Herro! Malta is over herre!

Gladiator

29thOctober2005, 16:43

Jacques Chirac: Monsuier Blair my nose is bigger than yours.

Tony Blair: That's because I am a better liar than you, Jacques.

Jacques Chirac: By the way who is the clown behind us with the big red nose and big red ears?

Tony: Oh him? hehehehe. If we are both good liars, you should hear him.:p

malsey

29thOctober2005, 20:03

Hehe il gonzi lol vera jixraqlu:D

Velvet Mite

30thOctober2005, 19:08

A Social Worker, two children, a lawyer, and a Jesuit were passengers on an aeroplane when suddenly the door to the cockpit opened and there was the pilot, one parachute strapped on his back and another in his hand.
The pilot says,"The plane is going to crash, I can't do anything and there are only two parachutes. One is mine and you'll have to decide about the other one." And he leaps out of the plane.
The passengers are terrified. They start sweating and wringing their hands.
The social worker says,"Perhaps we could strap the children together in the parachute".
The lawyer screams, "Fuck the children.....".
And the Jesuit says,"Do you think we have time?"

IL-GERMANIZ

30thOctober2005, 20:15

Nies tafu ghaliex is-sharks ma jiekluhomx il-klandestini ?

Ghax jahsbuhom QLALET il-bahar .

Konti

31stOctober2005, 16:52

SICK JOKES
Here's a couple to the lighten the mood if you're worried about the current bird flu scare...

http://images.icnetwork.co.uk/upl/m2/oct2005/1/2/0006D022-009B-1361-A1D90C01AC1BF814.jpg

________________

http://images.icnetwork.co.uk/upl/m2/oct2005/0/2/000A7AB2-0026-1361-A1D90C01AC1BF814.jpg

etoile noir

31stOctober2005, 23:08

Dubious Domains - i'm not sure these actually exist but they're good :)

People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's
just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich
and famous:
<http://www.whorepresents.com>

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:
<http://www.expertsexchange.com>

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
<http://www.penisland.net>

Need a therapist? Try:
<http://www.therapistfinder.com>

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
<http://www.molestationnursery.com>

And there is an Italian Power company:
<http://www.powergenitalia.com>

Aryan

31stOctober2005, 23:25

http://www.maltafly.com/images//puppet.jpg

Velvet Mite

1stNovember2005, 15:30

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
>
>They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes
>brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who
>obviously have a sense of humour.
>
>Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,how
>do the plants grow? (UK).
>
>A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
>them die.
>
>Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
>
>A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
>
>Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
>tracks?(Sweden)
>
>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
>
>Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>
>A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>
>Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
>Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
>
>A: What did your last slave die of?
>
>Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
>
>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
>
>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
>does not... oh forget it.
>
>Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
>
>Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>
>A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
>we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
>Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>
>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
>Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
>
>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
>which is...oh forget it.
>
>Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
>straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
>Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
>
>A: You are a British politician, right?
>
>Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
>round?(Germany)
>
>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
>is illegal.
>
>Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
>dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>
>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All
>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
>good pets.
>
>Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
>name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>
>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
>trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
>them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
>
>Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
>
>A: No, WE don't stink.
>
>Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
>tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
>
>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
>Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
>smaller than the male population? (Italy)
>
>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.